FUN WITH THE WIFE

FUN WITH THE WIFE

JOSEPH HOLBROOK

(THE PROJECTS LIST)

Your wife tells you, "Don't forget to fix the toilet today".
You reply, "OK Hon".
(Perfect communication)

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED:
(a few possibilities)

You heard her and You might do it today.
You know you won't do it today.
You know you'll get around to it sooner or later (but it probably won't be today).

ANOTHER THING MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED:

For some, there's a possibility that the ME APE (Male Evolutionary Audio Phenomenon of Editing) has kicked in: By way of explanation along with some tips, it goes like this:

By both the tone and octave range of the wife's voice, you determine she's asking you to DO something. Some kind of work around the house no doubt. Since you've already got the day planned and there won't be enough time to do what she wants anyway, there's no real need for you to know WHAT it is she's saying. . . and. . . there's a pretty good chance you'd forget what it was anyway.

The noises and the words coming from her mouth are automatically edited so that the words are eliminated completely. All that's left is wife-noises. When the noises quit coming out of her mouth, some sort of reply is expected and the best answer to opt for is "OK". Anything else might require more talking and since you don't know what she said in the first place, you don't want to encourage her to talk more about it.

It's always good to attach "Hon" or "Honey" to the "OK" so it sounds like you actually care about what she's saying. "OK Hon" in a firm yet loving voice usually puts an end to it and you can get back to spending the day doing what you wanted to do in the first place... before she interrupted.

Some wives have the nerve to ask for two or more things....a list if you will....all to be done in the same day mind you. When there's no more wife-noises, the "OK HON" response will usually work for the whole bunch at once. Some very clever wives might try to trip you up by phrasing the requests one at a time. If that happens, just give an "OK sweetheart" or a "No Problem Dear" after each one. You have to remember, these answers have to sound sincere enough to keep her off your back for the whole day, so you should probably make a few up ahead of time. Be sure to take into consideration how gullible or needy your specific model of wife is.

Whatever you do, don't let the wife get in the habit of asking WHEN certain projects will be completed. This only encourages her to sneak up on you to see if you're working fast enough to get to HER stuff. Just tell her in the beginning that you're unsure of scheduling because of store hours, availability of parts, maybe there's some drying times involved... some such bull. Use a "whiney" voice when you tell her these things, so she'll be able to identify with it on a personal level.

At the end of the day, when she finds nothing on her list is done, there's really only one way to handle it:

Tell her that the original project on your list took a whole lot longer than you expected but you'll be happy to finish her list next Saturday.... and... by the way, what has she done to herself, she really looks nice, you'd like to take her out to dinner, ....you know....stuff like that. You should probably plan ahead and make a list of these things too. Anyway...it all works real well, but only if you're at the top of your game.

Oh. . . and if any wives are reading this. . .you gotta know that this is all a big joke . . .none of it is true. . .and . . . . has anyone told you how beautiful you look today. . . (Joseph Holbrook ©2006 )

WHAT SEEMS TO HAPPEN:

Joseph Holbrook Journal: Fun With The Wife